Rogue - The land of Dranconia

What I do: -brainstorm-

you will notice me, because I don't want to be noticed

You will notice me because I'm different

you will want to make me happy because I am sad

you will notice me or I will make you feel guilty for not noticing me

I won't accept positive attention because I do not deserve it, I must be pitied, given negative attention or help you, to make you acknowlege my existence without giving me attention so I can hurt myself more.

I let you know something's wrong for attention and ptiy, but do not disclose so as to avoid hurt.

I am not worthy of your love, but I will take your pity, so I will make you pity me.  and that is how you will love me.


I hate my life, make it better. and I will make yours worse

Look up at the sky. how many other people are looking at the very same stars you are.  I only look because I hope that you are.  And though we may not share anything else, we can at least share this.

I shiver alone, waiting the nights away.  Someone will warm me someday, someone will stay eventually, because I'm ready. 
I'm ready for you.

I look up at the stars, because that is where I feel you.  your comforting words, soohting touch, your amazing way of just being, but living at the same time.  I will never forget you, in the short time I've known you, you've had an impact on me. you've helped. I've changed because of you.  It scares me, but I'm ready to face the fear, embrace it.  I still shy away, but please don't give up, I'm fighting myself.  you made it worth it.

and that's what makes all the difference

How does that feel?
do you like that?
will you remember this for the rest of your life?                                                           oh and I did.

everytime I feel like this, I think I understand, and remember, a little more.
I hate it,
but I think it's helping.

this had better end

I feel blind, I can't see anything but what I want to forget, and it takes it all away.  sometimes I see so clear, sometimes I'm so happy, I don't understand how I just loose it, and this is when I need you the most, but you're never there, nor would you help. and that's what makes me stronger.
and it's what makes me tired, weak and barely able to wake up some days.  stronger is on the way, getting rid of it is on the way. I hope.

I'm going to put myself into it 100%
and I won't tell anyone.  I don't even want you to know I'm doing it, but I'll let you know taht I whent. You'll leave otherwise.

I don't want to share myself with the world, what I do I do for me, or for those I care about.  I want top be silent, and invisibe, in the big picture.

so I drink.  and I smoke.
and I burry it once more, maybe just for the opportunity to sleep.
I wish I'd succeeded a couple years ago.  It would be better for everyone.

I know it now, butt knowing is much less than realizing.  I've taken my past and turned it into my future.  although it's behind me in a rather literal sense, I've made it my present and future.  Perhaps it's because she is..

I know that what's ahed is free and open, and that the possibilities are endless, but knowing is much less than realizing, seeing it in your mind, being there.  I feel like I'm blind, taht I've been described this beautiful painting, it's meaning, it's depth, and All I feel is sorrow for not being able to see it, thought I know it exists.  only I'm not blind, and I know that realization is near, I can taste it, I know how to get it, and I must thank him so much for showing me.  I can see it through the fog, out the window, jsut blurry enough to make me insane, but there still clear enough to give me hope.  I hate limbo, being motionless, descisionless, lifeless, loveless.  It's in me, I've just made things the way they are.  I can fix this, as soon as I can, I don't think I can wait much longer.

As a crowd it is hard not to be controlled, however as an individual, you will never have a grasp on me.

So torment me, push me, pull me, roll me drag me and drown me.  You are my ocean, you are my sky.  Only you can bring out the light, only you can colour the black and white.  Lie to me, make me believe, restore hope when I need it most.  you've done so much good, and it's hurt every step of the way.  I'm falling deeper into your grasp, I like the feeling of sacrifice.  Pain for a greater good, makes me feel a little less useless.  So push me over, pull me under, make me bleed make me cry, give me no mercy.  I don't deserve it, and I only seem to want what I don't deserve, or rather what the world feels I don't deserve.  So pull me farther, throw me harder and make my world what we need it to be.  To belong to you would be to see again.