What I do: -brainstorm-

you will notice me, because I don't want to be noticed

You will notice me because I'm different

you will want to make me happy because I am sad

you will notice me or I will make you feel guilty for not noticing me

I won't accept positive attention because I do not deserve it, I must be pitied, given negative attention or help you, to make you acknowlege my existence without giving me attention so I can hurt myself more.

I let you know something's wrong for attention and ptiy, but do not disclose so as to avoid hurt.

I am not worthy of your love, but I will take your pity, so I will make you pity me.  and that is how you will love me.


I hate my life, make it better. and I will make yours worse

Look up at the sky. how many other people are looking at the very same stars you are.  I only look because I hope that you are.  And though we may not share anything else, we can at least share this.

I shiver alone, waiting the nights away.  Someone will warm me someday, someone will stay eventually, because I'm ready. 
I'm ready for you.

I look up at the stars, because that is where I feel you.  your comforting words, soohting touch, your amazing way of just being, but living at the same time.  I will never forget you, in the short time I've known you, you've had an impact on me. you've helped. I've changed because of you.  It scares me, but I'm ready to face the fear, embrace it.  I still shy away, but please don't give up, I'm fighting myself.  you made it worth it.

and that's what makes all the difference

How does that feel?
do you like that?
will you remember this for the rest of your life?                                                           oh and I did.

everytime I feel like this, I think I understand, and remember, a little more.
I hate it,
but I think it's helping.

this had better end

I feel blind, I can't see anything but what I want to forget, and it takes it all away.  sometimes I see so clear, sometimes I'm so happy, I don't understand how I just loose it, and this is when I need you the most, but you're never there, nor would you help. and that's what makes me stronger.
and it's what makes me tired, weak and barely able to wake up some days.  stronger is on the way, getting rid of it is on the way. I hope.

I'm going to put myself into it 100%
and I won't tell anyone.  I don't even want you to know I'm doing it, but I'll let you know taht I whent. You'll leave otherwise.

I don't want to share myself with the world, what I do I do for me, or for those I care about.  I want top be silent, and invisibe, in the big picture.

so I drink.  and I smoke.
and I burry it once more, maybe just for the opportunity to sleep.
I wish I'd succeeded a couple years ago.  It would be better for everyone.

I know it now, butt knowing is much less than realizing.  I've taken my past and turned it into my future.  although it's behind me in a rather literal sense, I've made it my present and future.  Perhaps it's because she is..

I know that what's ahed is free and open, and that the possibilities are endless, but knowing is much less than realizing, seeing it in your mind, being there.  I feel like I'm blind, taht I've been described this beautiful painting, it's meaning, it's depth, and All I feel is sorrow for not being able to see it, thought I know it exists.  only I'm not blind, and I know that realization is near, I can taste it, I know how to get it, and I must thank him so much for showing me.  I can see it through the fog, out the window, jsut blurry enough to make me insane, but there still clear enough to give me hope.  I hate limbo, being motionless, descisionless, lifeless, loveless.  It's in me, I've just made things the way they are.  I can fix this, as soon as I can, I don't think I can wait much longer.

As a crowd it is hard not to be controlled, however as an individual, you will never have a grasp on me.

So torment me, push me, pull me, roll me drag me and drown me.  You are my ocean, you are my sky.  Only you can bring out the light, only you can colour the black and white.  Lie to me, make me believe, restore hope when I need it most.  you've done so much good, and it's hurt every step of the way.  I'm falling deeper into your grasp, I like the feeling of sacrifice.  Pain for a greater good, makes me feel a little less useless.  So push me over, pull me under, make me bleed make me cry, give me no mercy.  I don't deserve it, and I only seem to want what I don't deserve, or rather what the world feels I don't deserve.  So pull me farther, throw me harder and make my world what we need it to be.  To belong to you would be to see again.

sorry babe, it was good while it lasted, but could have never survived.  what you've done, what I've done, and the distance to come.  I've never felt nothing for anyone, and you'll not be the first, but this is the closest to nothing I've come to care about breaking your heart, because revenge has driven me to such lengths.  You held me back, and I became trapped in glass walls, unaware of the boundary until it was broken, and I was cut.  but it's you who threw the stone.  our reflection is shattered, strewn upon the ground.  "Too sharp to put back together, too small to matter."

fear brews once again, but patience must ensue.

We were opposites, drawn together through fate, and love. Taken apart by horrible luck and stranded from each other. a different addiction, a different course of action. always opposite and always together. The reach of love extends past all physical boundaries, but she's walked away from me in more ways than one. Far too many times. And I've let myself stand alone when I need her the most. Cast a blind eye to the abuse, and abused her in turn. My punishment, my rhapsody. A symphony of truth, of everything I could be, and everything I couldn't. Always a glace back at her, and a look ahed at her. Who she really is, before she lost herself, before I lost her. and whatever she has become. Do I dare venture once more? Can I find her? is she there? How I wish she was, but she's been dead for years. This is Slip's rein, and the hollow emptiness carried by Flame is the replacement after treatment. After lockdown. She's gone, the last remaining soul within her is being crushed, starved, and lsot too. she's nothing but a memory. how I wish i could see her again. but Slip's time is receding rapidly.

A slap in the face, and from you, it could only feel like a kiss. It's showing through, and I wish I never looked back. Not even once hun, and never again. You were me, you still are. Together forever, until the bitter fucking end. You left me, you left without a goodbye. No remorse, not a thought. What we once had we destroyed ourselves, it was too strong to crack from the outside, but I never knew how weak we were inside. I would have fought harder, had I not needed the strenght to live. It's not over, it will never end for me. I loved you, I needed you as I needed the air in my lungs, the earth at my feet, the blood in my veins. As earth needs water, as sky needs cloud. your syringe pushed through my veins, an intoxication binds me to you. An inscision so deep, tunnel vision and addiction. untold pain at the sight of that empty thought, that rose in the rain. Once upon a time my dear. that's what it is now. This untold story of us, unbounded and gone. A cherished thought of mine. forgotten in your world of misery. fallen out of sight, what your pain has done to you. Alive and slipping, I see you bleeding. For you I bleed too. If only to stay with you. For you I'm alive, and only you, you kept me here so long ago. Take me with you. With you I die, with you I rise, with you I wake, with you I sleep, for you I cry. obsession or need? greed or lust? Nothing hun, You've taken a part of me with you. and for that, I'll never forgive. A mind overburdened with pain past present and future, you contunue through life weeping. she hasn't heard back from heavan, but they are waiting for you. Dearest, and that is what you are, they love you still. I have commited treason, leading to nothing. I have remained to be tortured, left to watch you suffer, no impact, I cannot touch you, and you would not acknowledge if I spoke. I don't blame you, nor can I let go of you. You're here to stay, pale and broken. An angel is what you are, but a messenger from hell. At least I know where you stand And here I thought I could have you both

An unforgiving storm makes nights like these a difficult time to shake the feelings you wish you never had. When you're cold, but do not shiver, you hardly feel yourself. It's all an objective point of view. Life seems surreal, pointless. A show you'd rather not watch. When every sounds makes you what you are, makes you what you feel. Takes you away from your worries, concerns. Inner peace. Moments like these maes you think of how nice death would be. Just like this.

Dark solace, unforgiven regrets. Haunted dreams and lurking fear. A painfull past of tourture and hate. A stain on the soul, an avoidance of it all. It never happened, it all seems so far away, but comes back to blind me again. And once again you feel helpless. Left to freeze in this unforgiving wasteland. Eyes with nowhere to look, a heart with nothing to love. A barren wasteland of regret and passion lost. And somehow, the tourture within, becomes motivation without cause. So still we push on, failure our only sourse of hope. Inverted lives, live on against the odds. And I have been turned inside out and back again.

Sure, you've captured me... but Can You Controll Me? To tame a beast, you must Kill something inside of it. Give it a shot.

My sister Made this C - Carla's A - Angry and R - Raging, yet L - Loving A - Amidst her cold outward actions. I feel like a bad big sister....

What we once had, will never be again. What I had thought, was never true. What you once said, you'll never belive. What I now want, could never be more wrong. What you have done, has pushed me on. What I now do, I can't controll. What has been done, won't heal with time. What is to come, won't end well.

Everything surprisingly real. Just a moment of peace. The sun is brighter, the air calm and the day warm. Colours stand out, and everything overwhealms me as much as it just becomes a part of me. And nothing is wrong. Pain eases and gently floats away, I forget who I am and don't even care. This must be what death feels like. Troubles fall away and scatter among the ground. They trickle away from me like a small stream, like blood, liquid and pure. There's more than I thought. I don't feel the weight of gravity anymore, it's like I don't exhist. I watch the trees branches move with the wind, but hear nothing. No individual detail means anything. remove one and shatter the whole picture. So I just let it in, let it pass through me as I am floating away.

Every day, just another second. No food makes me feel better, nor any lack of it. An irresistible anger, but only so because the feelings had nowhere else to go. And so this is it. I've lost them both. This struggle has finally ended. Suffocation complete. Why did it always see mso hard to move on. Why did I always overlook this way. I see a very wide open space infront of me. and it all seems so light.

Paler than the moon. Fairer than the breeze. Scarred deeper than flesh itself. And the most beautiful souls alive. Deadlier than death. Feared more than sin. yet seen more than you may think. We are the sinners, we are the flesh, we are the eyes of satan that walk the earth. We destroy, we ignite, we burn the day and fuel the night. We walk in our daily desguises and pierce you with our eyes. We see right through your foolish minds, and we turn our backs in disgust. Next time you see someone walking alone, deep in thought, and glaring the world down. Be Afraid. We kill for lust, and scream for fun. Life and Death We see as one. We are what you can't comprehend, eyeless before our gods. The window to their world. our souls are carriers of light and dark. There is no difference, there is no silence. our heads are filled with your every sorrow, every complaint and wonder. We hate you for this. Our hatefull eyes reflect the ignorance you show to us, to your gods. We are guardian angels. Much different than we appear.