How does that feel?
do you like that?
will you remember this for the rest of your life?                                                           oh and I did.

everytime I feel like this, I think I understand, and remember, a little more.
I hate it,
but I think it's helping.

this had better end

I feel blind, I can't see anything but what I want to forget, and it takes it all away.  sometimes I see so clear, sometimes I'm so happy, I don't understand how I just loose it, and this is when I need you the most, but you're never there, nor would you help. and that's what makes me stronger.
and it's what makes me tired, weak and barely able to wake up some days.  stronger is on the way, getting rid of it is on the way. I hope.

I'm going to put myself into it 100%
and I won't tell anyone.  I don't even want you to know I'm doing it, but I'll let you know taht I whent. You'll leave otherwise.

I don't want to share myself with the world, what I do I do for me, or for those I care about.  I want top be silent, and invisibe, in the big picture.

so I drink.  and I smoke.
and I burry it once more, maybe just for the opportunity to sleep.
I wish I'd succeeded a couple years ago.  It would be better for everyone.